*Note: I am attributing the unearthly length of this post to my oober-congested head. Truly, though, it's been tricky sorting out all the so-on's and so-forth's....so if you stick with it till the end, thank you!*
Hello, everybody!
{I never did a blog update after our last church, Tennessee Avenue Baptist, in Bristol, TN. Here's a recap on how both church summits went as well as what God's been teaching me over the course of these three weeks.)
Oh, it's hard to remember everything and to put things into words... I'm almost ashamed to say I've been all over the place spiritually, mentally and emotionally (haha, as well as physically) these past few weeks. Yet I know the Lord is changing me now as I've addressed the bitterness in my soul and asked Him to help me.
Within our first few days at Tennessee Avenue, we knew this church was going to be different. The people were on fire in worship, their hands raised and voices calling out with shouts of praise and prayer. I sensed the warring difficulty of discernment in me as I saw how some of the people behaved in the sanctuary as well as outside the sanctuary (in the way they communicated with others). Looking back on it now, I know God guided me to have the right mindset towards these people, to love and not judge them (though it definitely took some time to really do) -- and I realize it was very similar to what He taught me back in Winfield, Pennsylvania (the full story in is my post "sin sin"). He taught me through the passage in Luke 5 that as a team, as we observe others in worship, it is not our place to judge their heart conditions. While the mood of worship in Winfield and in Bristol were polar opposites, the lesson and truth remains standing.
Our group of kids was trying at worst and inspiring at best. I've never had such a hard time saying goodbye to the little ones we get to befriend and teach on the road. Several little boys had a dramatic change of attitude and behavior over the course of the 11 days that was exciting and encouraging to see. I could go on about them for a while...all in all, the kids of Bristol stole a little piece of my heart and I pray I can go back and see them again.
I personally, and my team collectively, were caught up in some exhausting spiritual warfare at this summit. I struggled with finding my place and identity on the team. As we went through the Ministry styles testing together and discussed our results, I was both intrigued and excited but aslo annoyed. I couldn't figure myself out (frankly I still can't), and on top of my own frustration I was afraid I was causing others to think badly of me, like I was just being difficult or being too self-conscious. I let it become a distraction for a few days, and then finally decided that I was going to place it in His hands, and begin asking Him for clarification and answers. To be honest, over the duration of this summit I had constant shifts of attitude, and though I was being convicted of many things and working on them, and seeing fruit, I was often easily irritated and withdrawn. But the bottom line is this: the most awesome thing was getting to see God work and do great things in the lives of people, even though I didn't have it all together. I didn't have my A game on. I was confused and knew I shouldn't be confused. There were days I was close to the Lord and reliant on Him, and there were days I just jumped out of bed relying on my own strength and went the whole day all but surrendered to His will and strength. Yet I remember my prayers in the early days of that summit- that God would make all else that we turn to besides Him, bitter. That we would have desire only for Him, that we would find nothing else pleases or satisfies as much as Him. And it's incredible - now as I look at it, I see that He didn't change the things. The "things" are still good. But when I stubbornly go to those things and spend countless hours on them, and refusing to delegate that time to spending in prayer and in the Word - I felt rotten. I felt worthless, like I wasn't okay and I knew it was because I was out of tune with God. I had a bitter streak in me last night that asked, "If He's so great, why do I have to work so hard to stay close to Him? Like how can a day of not talking with Him make a difference, when I have a lifetime of love and relationship behind us?" But this morning it hit me. The things didn't change. But I believe God allowed me to feel that confusion, that feeling of separateness and un-sureness, in an effort to bring me to that place of total surrender. I'm learning by my own mistakes how life looks and feels when I spend so much time in other things, and so little time in prayer and in His word. I want to get to know Him; that is my heart's desire. And I believe through these trials, that hunger has grown stronger.
Throughout the Bristol summit, I could feel our team growing closer together as we worked and talked together....and part of the spiritual warfare was that I could sense attitudes and rifts that hadn't been there before, spring up. Talking with a few people on separate occasions, now on the flip-side of this summit, we agreed that the Bristol summit was just very full. A lot happened. Oh, so much. Most of it internal. God was working and He did great works in our hearts. Yet we recognize that it was a unique time of trial and dealing with personal heart attitudes and all in all, God used it to grow us.
Now coming to this summit. I will say straightaway, Waterloo has been very difficult for me. The sore throat I'd been dealing with since the beginning of the Bristol summit became persistently worse as we moved into the church. I had the privilege of sitting in this summit to hear the teachings and be refreshed by the time in service and in worship. Sunday I had some wonderful encounters with the Lord, and I'm very thankful I was able to be there. God convicted me of the anxiety that I have been harboring for a very long time, yet refusing to admit it, and I decided to place it in His hands, asking Him to help me with it. By about Monday, the sinus stuff and cough kicked in terribly and I was pretty much out. I ended up going to the doctor, staying home for two days, going to two other doctors, and overall just being moody. It was the sickest I've been in a very long time. Praise God, I was able to come to the final Sunday services and to each of the team meetings and activities after that! Every night this week I've had this struggle, this battle with pride and stubbornness with the Lord...though I have had regret and resolution, and several good days full of happenings with my family here, it wasn't until last night and this morning that there was real repentance. Hopefully this explains it somewhat clearly...
"God's also been teaching me the power of thoughts, and revealing to me once again how I've been neglecting to be in control over my mindset. It's funny...many places, you'll hear that you need to make your head knowledge true in your heart. In my case, it's the opposite. I know what's deep in my heart. When I go to the Lord in prayer, talking with Him and meditating on what He's done and in studying His truth- it's like I'm in familiar, tucked away room, where the reality of every detail of my heart is illuminated and brought close to His own, and by His loving hand, cleansed and remolded to look more like His. But in my day-to-day comings and goings, I get into survival mode, I listen to the lies, I put on an act, I get discouraged and fall into despair and pride, over and over....and I wonder, how does it happen? I wish it wouldn't. Oh, but the never-ending truth is this: I need to press on toward the goal of the upward calling of God in Jesus Christ! I recognize that the desire for His presence is in my heart, so why should I continue to doubt whether I should persevere and work to be more like Jesus? I understand that the work and the striving is wrong if it's done for my own glory, with a focus on perfecting myself, or to try and prove myself to the Lord and earn His love. But I'm not there. I desire to please Him and I love Him. If there is a reason for me not to give everything I can in body and mind to honor Him, then show me. But I will move forward. I am praying I will not fall into the pits of bitterness, of doubt, of worry, of listlessness, of anxiety, of stubbornness! but rather, that I would remember Who it is that has called me and made me His own! That I would LIVE that way, and when I fail, to repent quickly, and move forward. Oh, I know who He is. I love Him. I love Him unashamedly. I want that love to grow deeper. I am saddened that many days of this journey I have been out of step with Him. But I have to ask, should I stay feeling that way? I don't think so. He calls me forward. And it's hard. I have dozens of people around me developing an idea of who I am and what I'm like. I yearn for consistency and I'm afraid of mockery. I can't explain it and I must choose to live it. They may say nothing; they may not understand. But that's okay. I love them so much and I am choosing to show it. I can't do it perfectly. But I will strive to love purely. That is all I can do and I am choosing to do it."
One thing that surprised me to think of last night... it was more of a question I asked myself. I get angry when I make wrong choices and I despair over my imperfections often. I am not Jesus. Have I been trying to take His place as the only perfect one? I've not been striving after what is good and yet I get upset when I continually mess up. What a goose I am. :) We are called to imitate Christ. And part of humility lies in repenting when I sin, realizing that it is a flaw in my flesh that God wants to fix. I need to let Him fix it. And never am I to avoid toiling to grow in my walk with Christ.
"Oh, the joy of seeing purpose
Simple, pure and divine
Oh, the pain within my heart
When to Love I'm blind
Oh, the sweet life of living
Though tired I may be
Not weeping on my own
But You climbing with me."
As for what else has been going on these past two weeks!
The people at First Baptist of Waterloo have been absolutely a joy to be with and get to know. The apparent love this pastor has for his people and the myriad of local outreaches are astonishing. I've had a blast getting to sit in the services and hang out with Luke and the soundboard guys in the back, as well as getting to interact with the church members and befriend a few. I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity to listen in on the teachings Gregg and Shane have shared, along with the life-changing testimonies from people in the church. This past Monday, we as a team watched the movie "Billy: The Early Years of Billy Graham" and discussed it together. Tuesday, after lunch, we had a "girls meeting" and Debbie, one of my sweet team sisters, put together a "Thought Closet Makeover" study & discussion for us. I had a hard time taking it in, as I realized how starkly different my everyday thoughts are from the thoughts listed in Phillippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." It was a meeting filled with much-needed things to hear and put into practice. Shortly after that we had a team girl's photoshoot with some of the gals, and as you can imagine, we had a ton of fun. :) We're all so crazy. And of course, yesterday, we went to the City Museum in St. Louis! Officially one of my new favorite places EVER.
God is so good. He never changes. He loves me for who He is making me to be, and He lovingly draws me to Himself and away from the sin which so easily entangles. He is my one and pure hope. He is just and powerful in all His ways. He hates the darkness and grieves over sin. His forgiveness and mercy have no bounds. I'm a mess and don't want to be a mess, and He sees all of it. He understands everything I go through. He loves me enough to not ever leave me where I am at. All I have is Christ. And Christ is enough for me.
Onward we go to our final summit of the year! Kansas City, here we come!
PRAYER REQUESTS:
We have several on our team who are between "under the weather" and really sick. Please be praying for perseverance, peaceful spirits and joyful speech, and speedy healing for this last round before going home for the holidays. Thank you all, love you to death, praying for you as well and I can't wait to see friends and family from home! :)
