*Note: I am attributing the unearthly length of this post to my oober-congested head. Truly, though, it's been tricky sorting out all the so-on's and so-forth's....so if you stick with it till the end, thank you!*
Hello, everybody!
{I never did a blog update after our last church, Tennessee Avenue Baptist, in Bristol, TN. Here's a recap on how both church summits went as well as what God's been teaching me over the course of these three weeks.)
Oh, it's hard to remember everything and to put things into words... I'm almost ashamed to say I've been all over the place spiritually, mentally and emotionally (haha, as well as physically) these past few weeks. Yet I know the Lord is changing me now as I've addressed the bitterness in my soul and asked Him to help me.
Within our first few days at Tennessee Avenue, we knew this church was going to be different. The people were on fire in worship, their hands raised and voices calling out with shouts of praise and prayer. I sensed the warring difficulty of discernment in me as I saw how some of the people behaved in the sanctuary as well as outside the sanctuary (in the way they communicated with others). Looking back on it now, I know God guided me to have the right mindset towards these people, to love and not judge them (though it definitely took some time to really do) -- and I realize it was very similar to what He taught me back in Winfield, Pennsylvania (the full story in is my post "sin sin"). He taught me through the passage in Luke 5 that as a team, as we observe others in worship, it is not our place to judge their heart conditions. While the mood of worship in Winfield and in Bristol were polar opposites, the lesson and truth remains standing.
Our group of kids was trying at worst and inspiring at best. I've never had such a hard time saying goodbye to the little ones we get to befriend and teach on the road. Several little boys had a dramatic change of attitude and behavior over the course of the 11 days that was exciting and encouraging to see. I could go on about them for a while...all in all, the kids of Bristol stole a little piece of my heart and I pray I can go back and see them again.
I personally, and my team collectively, were caught up in some exhausting spiritual warfare at this summit. I struggled with finding my place and identity on the team. As we went through the Ministry styles testing together and discussed our results, I was both intrigued and excited but aslo annoyed. I couldn't figure myself out (frankly I still can't), and on top of my own frustration I was afraid I was causing others to think badly of me, like I was just being difficult or being too self-conscious. I let it become a distraction for a few days, and then finally decided that I was going to place it in His hands, and begin asking Him for clarification and answers. To be honest, over the duration of this summit I had constant shifts of attitude, and though I was being convicted of many things and working on them, and seeing fruit, I was often easily irritated and withdrawn. But the bottom line is this: the most awesome thing was getting to see God work and do great things in the lives of people, even though I didn't have it all together. I didn't have my A game on. I was confused and knew I shouldn't be confused. There were days I was close to the Lord and reliant on Him, and there were days I just jumped out of bed relying on my own strength and went the whole day all but surrendered to His will and strength. Yet I remember my prayers in the early days of that summit- that God would make all else that we turn to besides Him, bitter. That we would have desire only for Him, that we would find nothing else pleases or satisfies as much as Him. And it's incredible - now as I look at it, I see that He didn't change the things. The "things" are still good. But when I stubbornly go to those things and spend countless hours on them, and refusing to delegate that time to spending in prayer and in the Word - I felt rotten. I felt worthless, like I wasn't okay and I knew it was because I was out of tune with God. I had a bitter streak in me last night that asked, "If He's so great, why do I have to work so hard to stay close to Him? Like how can a day of not talking with Him make a difference, when I have a lifetime of love and relationship behind us?" But this morning it hit me. The things didn't change. But I believe God allowed me to feel that confusion, that feeling of separateness and un-sureness, in an effort to bring me to that place of total surrender. I'm learning by my own mistakes how life looks and feels when I spend so much time in other things, and so little time in prayer and in His word. I want to get to know Him; that is my heart's desire. And I believe through these trials, that hunger has grown stronger.
Throughout the Bristol summit, I could feel our team growing closer together as we worked and talked together....and part of the spiritual warfare was that I could sense attitudes and rifts that hadn't been there before, spring up. Talking with a few people on separate occasions, now on the flip-side of this summit, we agreed that the Bristol summit was just very full. A lot happened. Oh, so much. Most of it internal. God was working and He did great works in our hearts. Yet we recognize that it was a unique time of trial and dealing with personal heart attitudes and all in all, God used it to grow us.
Now coming to this summit. I will say straightaway, Waterloo has been very difficult for me. The sore throat I'd been dealing with since the beginning of the Bristol summit became persistently worse as we moved into the church. I had the privilege of sitting in this summit to hear the teachings and be refreshed by the time in service and in worship. Sunday I had some wonderful encounters with the Lord, and I'm very thankful I was able to be there. God convicted me of the anxiety that I have been harboring for a very long time, yet refusing to admit it, and I decided to place it in His hands, asking Him to help me with it. By about Monday, the sinus stuff and cough kicked in terribly and I was pretty much out. I ended up going to the doctor, staying home for two days, going to two other doctors, and overall just being moody. It was the sickest I've been in a very long time. Praise God, I was able to come to the final Sunday services and to each of the team meetings and activities after that! Every night this week I've had this struggle, this battle with pride and stubbornness with the Lord...though I have had regret and resolution, and several good days full of happenings with my family here, it wasn't until last night and this morning that there was real repentance. Hopefully this explains it somewhat clearly...
"God's also been teaching me the power of thoughts, and revealing to me once again how I've been neglecting to be in control over my mindset. It's funny...many places, you'll hear that you need to make your head knowledge true in your heart. In my case, it's the opposite. I know what's deep in my heart. When I go to the Lord in prayer, talking with Him and meditating on what He's done and in studying His truth- it's like I'm in familiar, tucked away room, where the reality of every detail of my heart is illuminated and brought close to His own, and by His loving hand, cleansed and remolded to look more like His. But in my day-to-day comings and goings, I get into survival mode, I listen to the lies, I put on an act, I get discouraged and fall into despair and pride, over and over....and I wonder, how does it happen? I wish it wouldn't. Oh, but the never-ending truth is this: I need to press on toward the goal of the upward calling of God in Jesus Christ! I recognize that the desire for His presence is in my heart, so why should I continue to doubt whether I should persevere and work to be more like Jesus? I understand that the work and the striving is wrong if it's done for my own glory, with a focus on perfecting myself, or to try and prove myself to the Lord and earn His love. But I'm not there. I desire to please Him and I love Him. If there is a reason for me not to give everything I can in body and mind to honor Him, then show me. But I will move forward. I am praying I will not fall into the pits of bitterness, of doubt, of worry, of listlessness, of anxiety, of stubbornness! but rather, that I would remember Who it is that has called me and made me His own! That I would LIVE that way, and when I fail, to repent quickly, and move forward. Oh, I know who He is. I love Him. I love Him unashamedly. I want that love to grow deeper. I am saddened that many days of this journey I have been out of step with Him. But I have to ask, should I stay feeling that way? I don't think so. He calls me forward. And it's hard. I have dozens of people around me developing an idea of who I am and what I'm like. I yearn for consistency and I'm afraid of mockery. I can't explain it and I must choose to live it. They may say nothing; they may not understand. But that's okay. I love them so much and I am choosing to show it. I can't do it perfectly. But I will strive to love purely. That is all I can do and I am choosing to do it."
One thing that surprised me to think of last night... it was more of a question I asked myself. I get angry when I make wrong choices and I despair over my imperfections often. I am not Jesus. Have I been trying to take His place as the only perfect one? I've not been striving after what is good and yet I get upset when I continually mess up. What a goose I am. :) We are called to imitate Christ. And part of humility lies in repenting when I sin, realizing that it is a flaw in my flesh that God wants to fix. I need to let Him fix it. And never am I to avoid toiling to grow in my walk with Christ.
"Oh, the joy of seeing purpose
Simple, pure and divine
Oh, the pain within my heart
When to Love I'm blind
Oh, the sweet life of living
Though tired I may be
Not weeping on my own
But You climbing with me."
As for what else has been going on these past two weeks!
The people at First Baptist of Waterloo have been absolutely a joy to be with and get to know. The apparent love this pastor has for his people and the myriad of local outreaches are astonishing. I've had a blast getting to sit in the services and hang out with Luke and the soundboard guys in the back, as well as getting to interact with the church members and befriend a few. I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity to listen in on the teachings Gregg and Shane have shared, along with the life-changing testimonies from people in the church. This past Monday, we as a team watched the movie "Billy: The Early Years of Billy Graham" and discussed it together. Tuesday, after lunch, we had a "girls meeting" and Debbie, one of my sweet team sisters, put together a "Thought Closet Makeover" study & discussion for us. I had a hard time taking it in, as I realized how starkly different my everyday thoughts are from the thoughts listed in Phillippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." It was a meeting filled with much-needed things to hear and put into practice. Shortly after that we had a team girl's photoshoot with some of the gals, and as you can imagine, we had a ton of fun. :) We're all so crazy. And of course, yesterday, we went to the City Museum in St. Louis! Officially one of my new favorite places EVER.
God is so good. He never changes. He loves me for who He is making me to be, and He lovingly draws me to Himself and away from the sin which so easily entangles. He is my one and pure hope. He is just and powerful in all His ways. He hates the darkness and grieves over sin. His forgiveness and mercy have no bounds. I'm a mess and don't want to be a mess, and He sees all of it. He understands everything I go through. He loves me enough to not ever leave me where I am at. All I have is Christ. And Christ is enough for me.
Onward we go to our final summit of the year! Kansas City, here we come!
PRAYER REQUESTS:
We have several on our team who are between "under the weather" and really sick. Please be praying for perseverance, peaceful spirits and joyful speech, and speedy healing for this last round before going home for the holidays. Thank you all, love you to death, praying for you as well and I can't wait to see friends and family from home! :)
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Fort Mill, SC - - - - - - - Bristol, TN
So here I am in Bristol, Tennessee. We recently finished two Thirst (four-day) conferences, one in Memphis, TN, and the other in Fort Mill, SC. Here, we are hosting our second and last eleven-day Summit.
All in all, these past few weeks have been, in three words, 1. stretching, 2. emotional, and 3. beautiful. I'm ridiculously slow in some things, so I'm finally learning that we are actually a family. I can trust them, I can love them, and they trust & love me. It's taken a while to be not just transparent, but completely honest with them in word and action. And that brings me to the biggest lesson God's been teaching me in these days, and that is being honest before Him.
I've never tried to hide things from Him, for I know He sees all and knows all. But I have not been bringing my deepest thoughts, emotions and questions before Him. In our group study, Seeking Him, we just finished going through the chapter on Honesty. Reading through that last week and the week prior, God just spoke through and showed me how I need to purposefully bring anything that doesn't fully line up with His word and way, before Him, in honesty, stating it in plain color as best I can, and asking Him to give me wisdom in whatever I'm confused about. This morning, during team meeting, our head revivalist and "dad" of the team, Gregg, responded to my sharing of this insight. He reminded me of the Psalms, of how raw the prayers were. And then my team brother Andrew spoke up. He shared that he has had times of not being honest before God about how he's feeling or what he's dealing with because the feelings aren't spiritual, they don't match up with what is right, which is exactly the reason why I was avoiding addressing the confusing and warring thoughts and emotions inside me (so it was a blessing to know I'm not alone). God will never despise honesty. We can go to Him and say, "God, I'm not sure what's going on", "I'm angry right now", "That hurt me", and the like, without fear of rejection. For our God is a loving and attentive Father. We can tell Him exactly how we're struggling and He will not punish us for that.
I know when I see or feel something that I know is not the best, or I'm confused, I want to toss it aside, saying it's not right, I need to get my act together, and all that-- not dealing with the root issue every time. And while I toss out the stem, the roots continue to spread out. And that's another prayer of mine, which I shared this morning: I need to start asking God to show me the true, honest state of my mind and heart, because a lot of times I don't know how I'm doing because there is so much going on inside AND out. I take in other's emotions and attitudes and intentions, and while I'm terribly introspective, I have a hard time discerning my innermost beliefs and true heart status. And instead of passing by that claiming I'm just "complicated" and always will be, I need to be brave enough to ask God to reveal the honest state of my soul to me. Which is a little bit intimidating. :) But He's helping me through it, above and beside and before me.
(I shared what went on last night in my annuntiato blog post-- that stands as a big point in my walk, too.)
The group of kids at Tega Cay Baptist in Fort Mills was fantastic, if not just a bit easily distracted. ;) One really neat thing that happened was Monday night with a little boy named Sawyer. I asked him what his favorite Bible story was.
"Jesus dying on the cross."
"Oh, really?
"No, wait. When Mary came to the tomb and the stone was rolled away and she got to see Jesus when He rised again."
"That is so cool, buddy! Why is that your favorite?"
"Because Jesus took all our sins away and we don't have to sin anymore...." He then went on to give me about a 2 minute straightforward explanation of Jesus' salvation and forgiveness, with excitement in his voice and a twinkle in his eye. While we sat there coloring together, it hit me: We don't have to convince these kids of anything. They have no reason to not believe God. Our job is to give them stories, truths and feelings they won't forget as they grow up. We're not just planting seeds of faith. We're laying paving stones for them to walk on and praying that they stay on this path. I'm reminded of the quote I first heard in public speaking class: "People might not remember what you say, but they won't forget how you make them feel." That's more true for kids than anyone, I think. My first experience in Base Camp at age 10 impacted me so much as to help lead me to where I am today: hundreds of miles away from my home teaching children about Jesus and how much He loves them and how we respond to His love in obedience and joy.
On top of all that cool stuff... :) I got to room with Kristin Pool. Which was basically the best. My favorite day was the day we went to a private gym, had the whole place to ourselves, and made videos of our workouts and "ninja warrior training". #toteshilarious
On the drive to Bristol, we stopped at a Wendy's and had two sweet interactions with ladies who were asking what ministry we're with. One runs her own animal shelter that, as she said, absolutely has the blessing of God upon it; for, every animal that's ever come in has very quickly found a perfect home. Her love and passion for Jesus was astounding. She blessed us and we got to pray with her and tell her about what we do. It was beautiful. Walking out, a kind little older lady called over to us, and walking back to her, she just said how blessed she was by Josh (one of my teammates) stood and held the door for her and her husband, while the rest of the team made way for them inside. Me and Abby got to talk with her and pray with her outside, and she gave us an envelope of "Cross in my Pocket" tokens, which she carries around with her to give to whomever the Lord leads her to. Needless to say, Abby and I were pumped leaving that Wendy's. :)
Ahhh, so much. I will update y'all near the end of this summit (which is next Wednesday)! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all y'alls endless love and encouragement. Love you guys and you're in my thoughts and prayers!
All in all, these past few weeks have been, in three words, 1. stretching, 2. emotional, and 3. beautiful. I'm ridiculously slow in some things, so I'm finally learning that we are actually a family. I can trust them, I can love them, and they trust & love me. It's taken a while to be not just transparent, but completely honest with them in word and action. And that brings me to the biggest lesson God's been teaching me in these days, and that is being honest before Him.
I've never tried to hide things from Him, for I know He sees all and knows all. But I have not been bringing my deepest thoughts, emotions and questions before Him. In our group study, Seeking Him, we just finished going through the chapter on Honesty. Reading through that last week and the week prior, God just spoke through and showed me how I need to purposefully bring anything that doesn't fully line up with His word and way, before Him, in honesty, stating it in plain color as best I can, and asking Him to give me wisdom in whatever I'm confused about. This morning, during team meeting, our head revivalist and "dad" of the team, Gregg, responded to my sharing of this insight. He reminded me of the Psalms, of how raw the prayers were. And then my team brother Andrew spoke up. He shared that he has had times of not being honest before God about how he's feeling or what he's dealing with because the feelings aren't spiritual, they don't match up with what is right, which is exactly the reason why I was avoiding addressing the confusing and warring thoughts and emotions inside me (so it was a blessing to know I'm not alone). God will never despise honesty. We can go to Him and say, "God, I'm not sure what's going on", "I'm angry right now", "That hurt me", and the like, without fear of rejection. For our God is a loving and attentive Father. We can tell Him exactly how we're struggling and He will not punish us for that.
I know when I see or feel something that I know is not the best, or I'm confused, I want to toss it aside, saying it's not right, I need to get my act together, and all that-- not dealing with the root issue every time. And while I toss out the stem, the roots continue to spread out. And that's another prayer of mine, which I shared this morning: I need to start asking God to show me the true, honest state of my mind and heart, because a lot of times I don't know how I'm doing because there is so much going on inside AND out. I take in other's emotions and attitudes and intentions, and while I'm terribly introspective, I have a hard time discerning my innermost beliefs and true heart status. And instead of passing by that claiming I'm just "complicated" and always will be, I need to be brave enough to ask God to reveal the honest state of my soul to me. Which is a little bit intimidating. :) But He's helping me through it, above and beside and before me.
(I shared what went on last night in my annuntiato blog post-- that stands as a big point in my walk, too.)
The group of kids at Tega Cay Baptist in Fort Mills was fantastic, if not just a bit easily distracted. ;) One really neat thing that happened was Monday night with a little boy named Sawyer. I asked him what his favorite Bible story was.
"Jesus dying on the cross."
"Oh, really?
"No, wait. When Mary came to the tomb and the stone was rolled away and she got to see Jesus when He rised again."
"That is so cool, buddy! Why is that your favorite?"
"Because Jesus took all our sins away and we don't have to sin anymore...." He then went on to give me about a 2 minute straightforward explanation of Jesus' salvation and forgiveness, with excitement in his voice and a twinkle in his eye. While we sat there coloring together, it hit me: We don't have to convince these kids of anything. They have no reason to not believe God. Our job is to give them stories, truths and feelings they won't forget as they grow up. We're not just planting seeds of faith. We're laying paving stones for them to walk on and praying that they stay on this path. I'm reminded of the quote I first heard in public speaking class: "People might not remember what you say, but they won't forget how you make them feel." That's more true for kids than anyone, I think. My first experience in Base Camp at age 10 impacted me so much as to help lead me to where I am today: hundreds of miles away from my home teaching children about Jesus and how much He loves them and how we respond to His love in obedience and joy.
On top of all that cool stuff... :) I got to room with Kristin Pool. Which was basically the best. My favorite day was the day we went to a private gym, had the whole place to ourselves, and made videos of our workouts and "ninja warrior training". #toteshilarious
On the drive to Bristol, we stopped at a Wendy's and had two sweet interactions with ladies who were asking what ministry we're with. One runs her own animal shelter that, as she said, absolutely has the blessing of God upon it; for, every animal that's ever come in has very quickly found a perfect home. Her love and passion for Jesus was astounding. She blessed us and we got to pray with her and tell her about what we do. It was beautiful. Walking out, a kind little older lady called over to us, and walking back to her, she just said how blessed she was by Josh (one of my teammates) stood and held the door for her and her husband, while the rest of the team made way for them inside. Me and Abby got to talk with her and pray with her outside, and she gave us an envelope of "Cross in my Pocket" tokens, which she carries around with her to give to whomever the Lord leads her to. Needless to say, Abby and I were pumped leaving that Wendy's. :)
Ahhh, so much. I will update y'all near the end of this summit (which is next Wednesday)! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all y'alls endless love and encouragement. Love you guys and you're in my thoughts and prayers!
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Tennesse-----^^^------South Carolina (part 2)
Part 1 was focused on the most memorable point of what God taught me at Ridgeway Baptist in Memphis. Here's more on how clubs went and some other random stuff.
Romans 15:5 - "Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus.."
We had a fairly small club (which I honestly like better than a big group). There are a few little girls who vividly stood out, just because of their joy in being there and their maturity in listening and participating in the lessons. One girl, Kenley, every session without fail, remembered what building we were "going to next" in Happy Heart City. The last day, she gave me an envelope with a picture in it, and told me she drew it for me; later, she asked to show it to the class. So, during craft time, she stood up, faced the circle, and gave a beautiful presentation of what she had drawn "for all the teachers to keep" , with a poise that would shame most public speakers. ;) She's only six. We have the picture-- which is Olaf and a penguin in a top hat underneath a bright sun, by the way -- in our Happy Heart lesson folder. Another little girl, Sophia, was attentive and energetic every day and was positively enamored by the stories. But beyond just getting excited with the songs and such, she was latching on to every word we said and caught the message within. After the Salvation lesson, when Jennifer was asking some review questions, she asked what the sin, the "black", stood for. Sophia raised her hand and said something like "Sin comes from that bad place, Heel, and the guy from Heel will try to make us think that what God says is wrong is actually good." I had explained to the kids about the light and goodness of Jesus and how his enemy, Satan (using the picture of a hero and a villain) is just darkness and will try to tempt us, but that God is much stronger and is powerful enough to help us say no to those temptations. Several other kids had very clear and wise answers, yet they didn't just repeat what I'd told them- they phrased them in their own words, making us see that wow, they really had been listening and they got it. One thing that really hit me this summit... Theses kids really don't need to be convinced of anything. Belief isn't really an issue for them. It's so plain in their faces that they believe in Jesus, believe in what He says, believe He has certain things He wants us to do and not to do, and it is so clear that they actually WANT to please Him. It's so cool. So, as teachers, our job is not so much to give them reasons why they must believe and try to convince them, but rather to display and explain 1. the gravity of sin 2. the goodness of God and 3. the love and joy Jesus wants us to share with others.
And here's some random things that happened this past week!
I started really dedicating more time to learning piano, spending about an hour or two a day getting more comfortable with the keys. I got to play a game of Stratego with my team brother Andrew (yes, he beat me terribly, but since both of us admitted to not having a strategy, I'll say it was luck. ;) But we agreed on a rematch sometime.) A few memorable crazy moments....when my sis Amanda and I went off waddling and stomping down the halls (doing my "angry walk").... putting on a construction hat and a fairy princess dress while playing a time-filler game with the Happy Heart kids Wednesday night (I was feeling so goofy that night!)....oh, and our dinner at Cracker Barrel Thursday night was absolutely hysterical. Friday, I rode in the semi truck cab with Amanda and Andrew and we had a fabulous drive! I was able to call my sistee Becky and talk to her for a few hours. It was so good. :) Andrew and Amanda and I had some really great conversations and I am incredibly grateful for both of them and for opportunities to all externally process together. :)
We have too much fun. We really do. :)
So our summit in Memphis is over and we're now in Fort Mills, South Carolina at Tega Cay Baptist Church! I'm so excited to see what the Lord has in store for us all here.
I'll update more in a few days.
Tennessee-----^^^-----South Carolina (part 1)
Memphis, Tennessee.
(I wrote this blog post last Wednesday, our last day of our first Thirst conference in Memphis, TN.)
Patience isn't usually one of the attributes listed when we're reading or talking about God. Maybe after Just, Loving, Powerful, Faithful and about a dozen others have been said, we dig a little deeper and remember He is patient. And actually, patience and love often are tied together, so we don't bother to say patience seperately.
"Then the LORD passed by in front of him and proclaimed, 'The LORD, the LORD God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth'..." -Exodus 34:6
He is so patient with me. He is so patient with His children; every time I stop to remember that I am just so in awe. His character is so beautiful I don't understand why I ever look away and believe the lies that tell me otherwise.
Isaiah 42:14 - "I have kept silent for a long time, I have kept still and restrained Myself. Now like a woman in labor I will groan, I will both gasp and pant..."
God has been helping me to discern more of His character and heart in these last days. In my own exhaustion and frustrations I have been so ridiculously stubborn. He's been giving me convictions and I've ignored them instead of addressing them immediately; He's been prompting me to spend time in His word and in prayer and I've turned to other things to keep my mind busy. I feel His pleasure when I am surrendered and listening wholeheartedly to Him; I feel His displeasure when I am unwilling to do so. I feel He is distant when I choose to prefer temporary things, yet it is always I and not He who has moved. But He is always the same. And I think He allows me to be reminded of how lonely and frustrated I feel when I try to cope on my own. He doesn't want me to comfortable. He wants me to be satisfied. He's making me see that I can't love the world and love Him. I can do things in the world and even enjoy things again. I didn't enjoy things for quite a while. But if I am unwilling to spend time growing in strength and wisdom by seeking His will specifically, than I am without hope and joy and I will try to fill that void with earthly things. It's like He's given us material things, people, events, etc. as embellishments for this life: decoration, not substance. I can still enjoy them. But if I'm not wholly satisfied in Him, I have no place going anywhere or to anything for pleasure.
This is going to be an interesting transition.
I'm so convinced in my mind that this is the direction I must go and yet I don't feel like I really have to.
Mind over matter.
God is loving even when I am unlovable. And goodness, I have been. Sure, there's emotions and exhaustion and lots of people around all the time and I'm always at least a little frazzled inside. But where did God ever say those are determining factors, I wonder. :)
God isn't explainable. If I can say one thing definitively it is that He is not like me and I am not.
Psalms 50:20-21 - "You sit and speak against your brother; You slander your own mother's son. "These things you have done and I kept silence; You thought that I was just like you; I will reprove you and state the case in order before your eyes.
Yesterday I was struggling with questioning God's character because I was so blinded by the complexity of my circumstances and the endlesss flow of silent wonderings and words and worries inside me. I knew the devil was trying to twist truth to make me think of God as selfish, greedy and power-hungry in making all of us and this whole thing called life-- pain, strife and all-- just for His glory, which He always demands. The guilt I felt for even daring to allow myself to think of Him in such a way was making me sick. I didn't know what to do, because the questions were real and not excusable, and the Scriptures that hold all the truth I need were constantly pointing to His commands and how He demands praise and honor.
Of course He does. He is supposed to. Even by my human logic I know He deserves whatever I can give and much more! The lie is so foreign and absurd when I look at it from the outside now.
I woke up with severe back and neck and shoulder pain yesterday (which I would still appreciate prayer for because it's not much better today), and during our team meeting, Shane asked for people to pray with those who had prayer requests. My team sister Allie offered to, and when she pulled me aside after the meeting to pray, she shared a verse with me that the Lord had laid on her heart.
"Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.." -Matthew 11:28-30
Jesus is the embodiment of God in human form. God showed us how aspects of His character , what He has deemed good and loving, can be lived out here on earth. He gave us a perfect example and has promised grace to strive after the impossible in following Jesus' footsteps.
Allie had no idea of the mental battle I was going through. Not only was God all-knowing in having this written thousands of years ago to comfort billions throughout the centuries, but He divinely planned for her to share that verse with me to remind me of who He is. And that is love right there. That simple act is grace unveiled. And as I explained to Allie all of this, what I've been going through, she admitted she's had the same struggle, and is still working on the right mindset.
I am still blown away.
(continued in Part 2.)
Romans 15:5 - "Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus.."
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
glimpses of days gone by.
 |
>> My sister and friends sent me a box full of sweet notes and gifts. It felt better than Christmas day. << |
 |
"How precious to me are Your thoughts, O Lord! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand..." |
 |
"I awake, and still I am with You." |
 |
| >> a peek into Happy Heart City << |
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Penn. - - - - - - - Tenn.
I originally wrote this last Monday, but never posted it. Here's the update on our first Summit in Winfield, Pennsylvania, and our adventures at the beginning of the Summit here in Chattanooga, Tennessee!
"God is so good.
The summit at Winfield Baptist was truly wonderful. Honestly, the church was quiet and not as expressive as many team members hoped, especially the worship team who looks for outward flowings of praise. (I mentioned Luke 5 in my previous blog post- it was at the Penn summit that God revealed that to me, specifically on the matter of doing the work we've been called to with joy and love and diligence, even if we don't see the results.) Yet the depth of wisdom and love we CM's got to see in the kids' hearts was awesome, and very unexpected. As a Happy Heart City teacher, I work with kids 4 to 7 years old. We had quite a few 5 year olds in club at Winfield. Several answered questions about sin, God's love, and forgiveness, with knowledge and clarity that baffled me. It was encouraging too to see how their attention spans and will to obey grew with the 11 days we were there. They came because they wanted to learn; we were continuously hearing stories that kids were telling their parents they didn't want to go to soccer practice or to their ball game, but they wanted to come to church instead. And it was incredible to see because we don't just play games and eat food. We teach some hard core lessons to these kiddos and despite the rules and deep discussions and sometimes LONG days, they wanted to come, they found joy in coming-- not because their friends were there, not even because the teachers are cool (okay, we are, but we're pretty weird), but because they were seeing how good and holy and loving our God is, and I truly believe that many of them were at least beginning to sense how God is the only One who can satisfy the longings in their hearts. At elementary age it's hard to pinpoint what that desire, that longing for fellowship with Him, looks like; at nineteen, it's imposible to describe precisely. But I got to see it unraveling in their attitudes and lives, and for that sliver of time I had with them, I am eternally grateful. One of the little boys we had was very energetic, had a very hard time focusing and paying attention, and received several warnings and got to his 2nd strike (3 is the time out or "no-fun" chair) more than once; yet toward the end of the summit, he was listening, praying, and talking to us teachers and offering to help us, besides just being gentler and kinder to the other kids. When we were leaving, one little girl who had come in very shy and afraid of new places, came and gave me a hug about 5 different times. One time she said, "I wish you could stay here and be my teacher forever." And right before she walked out of the church with her mom, she said "Bye! I hope to see you again sometime!" She was only 6.
Each of the kids I got to say goodbye to, I told them what God had impressed upon me to say, and that is "God loves you so much. Don't ever forget that. You are so loved." It was a bittersweet time, to say the least. I have each of their names in my journal and their faces in my mind, and I pray I never forget them.
Besides the happenings at the church, I was blessed to stay with three of my host sisters, Amanda, Jennifer and Abby, in a remodled farmhouse just down the road from our amazing host family, the Hoffmans'. Outside, we were surrounded by the beautiful Penn mountains that enraptured us every time we looked around, everywhere we went. Inside, we felt like we'd stepped into Green Gables. The Hoffman's were giving as giving could get. We couldn't say thank you enough for how they blessed us, not just with a beautiful home and the best cooking in the Western Hemisphere, but for their hearts and the love of Jesus they reflected to us. Our last Sunday meal with them, we shared family stories of the past and I laughed so hard my head ached for an hour! And to say we four girls had a good time together in our sweet farmhouse is an understatement. We have stories....many stories. Most will never be told. :)
Now here we are at Oakwood Baptist Church in Chattanooga, Tennessee! Shortly after getting here, I realized that outside of Michigan, the state I've spent the most time in collectively is Tennessee. I joke up North that I'm a Southern girl at heart. I feel so at home...it's almost like I become myself down here. Which sounds odd, I know. I suppose it's the atmosphere. People speak their minds here. The hospitality is matchless. The sense of gentle love and fiery determination that go hand in hand are absolutely beautiful.
Yesterday was our first Sunday of the summit here. The pastors and families are eager to know more of God and are hungry for His word. The worship team has been encouraged by the response in praise here, for certain. Sunday morning was interesting in Happy Heart. We teachers struggled at first to keep our energy up and be passionate about our teaching; we only had 6 kids, and them being all boys (and truthfully, several don't mind our Sit Up and Look Up rules too well), we were a little flustered and by the end, slightly discouraged. But come last night, when we as a team all gathered in the sanctuary for prayer, we spent the session reading passages of scripture out loud, verses of praise or adoration as well as prayers for personal spiritual needs and needs of the congregation for revival. One verse stood out like it was in 3D.
Isaiah 66:1 : "Thus says the LORD, 'Heaven is my throne, and the earth is my footstool; what is the house that you would build for me, and what is the place of my rest? All these things my hand has made, and so all these things came to be', declares the LORD. But this is the one to whom I will look: he who is humble and contrite in spirit and trembles at my word."
I realized my spirit was not humbled before God, even though I deeply loved Him and His word; that passage and all the others reveberating around me convicted me in a beautiful way. I am so full of hope for this mission, for this church and what I am confident God is going to do! I've been praying He would fill me with a fire and a joy of His spirit within me: He has and continues to answer my plea.
A sweet thing happened last night. One little four year old boy named Dre disobeyed multiple times in a row and I had to take him out into the hallway with another teacher and talk with him. He cried at first because he was upset he was being punished, but after explaining to Him why God wants us to obey, that it's because He loves us, and telling Him about God's forgiveness, he calmed down a bit; he didn't seem to be listening to what I was telling Him about the rules, though he did say he'd learned a Bible verse and then proceeded to recite John 3:16. But when I told him that we teachers love him and we want him there, he was quiet for a second, then said emphatically tha he just wants to pay attention. I told him that's good, and I promised to help him pay attention by reminding him and such. I wasn't sure how much of our conversation stuck, but he was incredibly attentive the rest of the night, for story, craft and game. And when I spoke to him and gave him directions, he would actually look at me, listen and respond in obedience. Even such a little transformation astounded me. But God saved the golden moment for the end of the night. After club, I had to explain to his mom why he got his 2nd strike and how we'd talked about forgiveness and obedience, shared that he'd told me he wanted to pay attention more, and also that he did do a great job listening the rest of the night. She was surprised but very pleased to hear about it. As they walked down the hall hand in hand, Dre looked up at his mom and said, "I can't wait to come back to this church again." He's just four years old. Granted, he acts and talks like a gangster man, but he's got a softness in him that is hard to get to; I felt like I'd been given the moon just to be blessed with a few moments of seeing that soft spot. I love him to death...."
Aaaaand here's my recap on the remainder of this summit in Chattanooga:
Oh my.
There were difficult days. Several very difficult days. From being so sick I had to stay home from two nights of services, to questioning God's good purposes throughout history...from wanting to be alone for days at a time, to feeling so distant from people, and then realizing I hadn't been focusing on others and loving them like God tells me to... it was like an internal roller coaster through deserts and torrential rains day to day these past (almost) two weeks. Sunday morning and evening, I finally was well enough to come into church and teach and be with the Happy Heart teachers and kids.
And, those two last meetings, the good Lord sent a beautiful little girl named Jayne to our Happy Heart City club. Every kid is special. And, there are many boys and girls throughout my life who have each stolen a very special part of my heart. There was something different about this little girl. I can't describe it at all. I'm just thankful God planned for her to be there and to be a blessing to me and the other teachers, even if it was for one day. I was truthfully a little relieved that I didn't have the chance to say goodbye to her at first, because I was afraid I wouldn't know what to say; now I am sad that I didn't, because truly I believe God is going to do something big through her in her life, and I wish I could have told her so, and told her how much God loves her. I don't even know her last name. But I won't ever forget her. At least I pray I won't.
Our host family has been absolutely amazing. I love them so much and they feel like family to me already. It's going to be very hard to say goodbye to Miss Kim, Mr. "Chief" Aaron (he's a Cherokee chief), Alexandra and Abigail. Mr. Aaron, Abigail, my team sis & roomie for this summit, Olivia, and I have had some of the most deep and edifying conversations on eternal matters that I have ever been fortunate enough to be a part of in my entire life, outside my immediate family. Our adventures with them are not over yet, so I will not recap too much on them until after I've tearfully said farewell. ;)
Tonight we all went to see Alexandra play volleyball and after that, to watch Abigails' soccer game. I enjoyed it immensely, but I found myself disliking sitting on the sidelines because I wanted so badly to go out and play (for anyone that doesn't know, I actually adore playing sports! It's one of my favorite things to do; ask almost anyone who has played athletic games with me- I really get into the game. Sometimes watching sports is stressful for me, though, because I feel so strongly that my place is out on the field! :) )
Random Ang fun facts aside.
The greatest thing I learned this summit:
God is good all the time, even when I might not think so.
Starting last Tuesday, I read all through Exodus, Leviticus and the first half of Numbers in two days. I found myself questioning all throughout, "If this is God's perfect plan of how things should be- the regulations for sacrifices, atonement, punishment, etc. - then why did He go back on it and undo it all later? Why did He require sacrifices in the first place if He would later say that they aren't good enough? Did God change His mind? Why did He create one system that leads to forgiveness of sins, and then condemn that, and send Jesus?"
Jesus came to fulfill the law. He didn't make a flawed order just to reject it later. Jesus is God. God came down. God came down because He desired to rescue us. He's that passionate and reckless in love with the people He has made.
"But did He only do such a reckless thing as to forsake His own established laws, call them insufficient and set up a new standard for forgiveness, just to get us back so we would finally glorify Him as He wants? Why didn't He come down sooner, if it was the only way to life? If heaven is perfect and what God desires, then why did He allow sin to be an option in the first place?"
Earth is like our testing grounds. We follow hard after Him and determine to love Him above all else and live in fellowship with His Spirit here on earth, and then when the new heaven and new earth are made, sin will be forever defeated, it will be no more, it will not even exist to be an option, and as my host dad Aaron spoke, "I think we will have no desire to choose sin anymore." All our desire will be for God alone.
It confuses me, and though I know I won't ever figure out even a tiny percentage of the mysteries of our Creator and Sustainer and His sovereign plan, I can't ignore these questions. Many of these questions in my mind were wrong. I have asked the Lord's forgiveness for being so foolish as to put His character under human scrutiny, comparing His methods and intentions and desires to our own fleshly, flawed ones; even without meaning to, I did, and it was a horrible thing I am exceedingly grateful He convicted me of!
He's taught me to trust Him. What He intended for good- planting a desire in me to read the Old Testament to better get the big picture of His plan for eternity and salvation - the devil tried to twist to disappointment. I honestly was confused and felt a little betrayed, that this God of such regulations and extensive rules over physical temporary things and comparatively little talk of love or compassion is the same God in the Gospel who says the law is not enough and speaks highly of love and compassion. This was sinful of me in my flesh: not to question, for I believe the Lord gives us a spirit of curiosity for good, but instead to lose a little bit of hope, a little bit of faith, because of my own confusion. I was trying to interpret all this on my own, trusting that God would guide me through it and give me His wisdom- but I failed to ask Him for His wisdom. I leaned too heavily on the "I don't need a study guide to read the Pentateuch" idea.
God is actually just now, in these moments as I write, bringing all this to mind.
God is God.
He never changes.
Oh, I am so unworthy even to speak His name. Wretch that I am has been chosen to be in His family! I want to fall to my knees and weep at every thought of His goodness and love, and yet He has given me the freedom to stand. He's been with me all the way. He's done mighty deeds in billions of lives. He is I AM. All that He has revealed to me of Himself my few years alive overwhelms me. He is truth; all that He says is truth. Oh, God, forgive me for searching for meaning and truth outside of You. Thank you for seeing into the depths of my mind and calling me out where I am grieving You. Thank you for reminding me of Your Holiness.
You are Holy.
You are Just.
You are Good.
You are Faithful.
You are Good.
You are Sovereign.
You are Love.
Dear God, You are more than I will ever know! And yet You have delighted to reveal these things about Yourself to your wandering children to give them a future and a hope and to assure them that You are to be trusted.
Above all else.
Above all.
"God is so good.
The summit at Winfield Baptist was truly wonderful. Honestly, the church was quiet and not as expressive as many team members hoped, especially the worship team who looks for outward flowings of praise. (I mentioned Luke 5 in my previous blog post- it was at the Penn summit that God revealed that to me, specifically on the matter of doing the work we've been called to with joy and love and diligence, even if we don't see the results.) Yet the depth of wisdom and love we CM's got to see in the kids' hearts was awesome, and very unexpected. As a Happy Heart City teacher, I work with kids 4 to 7 years old. We had quite a few 5 year olds in club at Winfield. Several answered questions about sin, God's love, and forgiveness, with knowledge and clarity that baffled me. It was encouraging too to see how their attention spans and will to obey grew with the 11 days we were there. They came because they wanted to learn; we were continuously hearing stories that kids were telling their parents they didn't want to go to soccer practice or to their ball game, but they wanted to come to church instead. And it was incredible to see because we don't just play games and eat food. We teach some hard core lessons to these kiddos and despite the rules and deep discussions and sometimes LONG days, they wanted to come, they found joy in coming-- not because their friends were there, not even because the teachers are cool (okay, we are, but we're pretty weird), but because they were seeing how good and holy and loving our God is, and I truly believe that many of them were at least beginning to sense how God is the only One who can satisfy the longings in their hearts. At elementary age it's hard to pinpoint what that desire, that longing for fellowship with Him, looks like; at nineteen, it's imposible to describe precisely. But I got to see it unraveling in their attitudes and lives, and for that sliver of time I had with them, I am eternally grateful. One of the little boys we had was very energetic, had a very hard time focusing and paying attention, and received several warnings and got to his 2nd strike (3 is the time out or "no-fun" chair) more than once; yet toward the end of the summit, he was listening, praying, and talking to us teachers and offering to help us, besides just being gentler and kinder to the other kids. When we were leaving, one little girl who had come in very shy and afraid of new places, came and gave me a hug about 5 different times. One time she said, "I wish you could stay here and be my teacher forever." And right before she walked out of the church with her mom, she said "Bye! I hope to see you again sometime!" She was only 6.
Each of the kids I got to say goodbye to, I told them what God had impressed upon me to say, and that is "God loves you so much. Don't ever forget that. You are so loved." It was a bittersweet time, to say the least. I have each of their names in my journal and their faces in my mind, and I pray I never forget them.
Besides the happenings at the church, I was blessed to stay with three of my host sisters, Amanda, Jennifer and Abby, in a remodled farmhouse just down the road from our amazing host family, the Hoffmans'. Outside, we were surrounded by the beautiful Penn mountains that enraptured us every time we looked around, everywhere we went. Inside, we felt like we'd stepped into Green Gables. The Hoffman's were giving as giving could get. We couldn't say thank you enough for how they blessed us, not just with a beautiful home and the best cooking in the Western Hemisphere, but for their hearts and the love of Jesus they reflected to us. Our last Sunday meal with them, we shared family stories of the past and I laughed so hard my head ached for an hour! And to say we four girls had a good time together in our sweet farmhouse is an understatement. We have stories....many stories. Most will never be told. :)
Now here we are at Oakwood Baptist Church in Chattanooga, Tennessee! Shortly after getting here, I realized that outside of Michigan, the state I've spent the most time in collectively is Tennessee. I joke up North that I'm a Southern girl at heart. I feel so at home...it's almost like I become myself down here. Which sounds odd, I know. I suppose it's the atmosphere. People speak their minds here. The hospitality is matchless. The sense of gentle love and fiery determination that go hand in hand are absolutely beautiful.
Yesterday was our first Sunday of the summit here. The pastors and families are eager to know more of God and are hungry for His word. The worship team has been encouraged by the response in praise here, for certain. Sunday morning was interesting in Happy Heart. We teachers struggled at first to keep our energy up and be passionate about our teaching; we only had 6 kids, and them being all boys (and truthfully, several don't mind our Sit Up and Look Up rules too well), we were a little flustered and by the end, slightly discouraged. But come last night, when we as a team all gathered in the sanctuary for prayer, we spent the session reading passages of scripture out loud, verses of praise or adoration as well as prayers for personal spiritual needs and needs of the congregation for revival. One verse stood out like it was in 3D.
Isaiah 66:1 : "Thus says the LORD, 'Heaven is my throne, and the earth is my footstool; what is the house that you would build for me, and what is the place of my rest? All these things my hand has made, and so all these things came to be', declares the LORD. But this is the one to whom I will look: he who is humble and contrite in spirit and trembles at my word."
I realized my spirit was not humbled before God, even though I deeply loved Him and His word; that passage and all the others reveberating around me convicted me in a beautiful way. I am so full of hope for this mission, for this church and what I am confident God is going to do! I've been praying He would fill me with a fire and a joy of His spirit within me: He has and continues to answer my plea.
A sweet thing happened last night. One little four year old boy named Dre disobeyed multiple times in a row and I had to take him out into the hallway with another teacher and talk with him. He cried at first because he was upset he was being punished, but after explaining to Him why God wants us to obey, that it's because He loves us, and telling Him about God's forgiveness, he calmed down a bit; he didn't seem to be listening to what I was telling Him about the rules, though he did say he'd learned a Bible verse and then proceeded to recite John 3:16. But when I told him that we teachers love him and we want him there, he was quiet for a second, then said emphatically tha he just wants to pay attention. I told him that's good, and I promised to help him pay attention by reminding him and such. I wasn't sure how much of our conversation stuck, but he was incredibly attentive the rest of the night, for story, craft and game. And when I spoke to him and gave him directions, he would actually look at me, listen and respond in obedience. Even such a little transformation astounded me. But God saved the golden moment for the end of the night. After club, I had to explain to his mom why he got his 2nd strike and how we'd talked about forgiveness and obedience, shared that he'd told me he wanted to pay attention more, and also that he did do a great job listening the rest of the night. She was surprised but very pleased to hear about it. As they walked down the hall hand in hand, Dre looked up at his mom and said, "I can't wait to come back to this church again." He's just four years old. Granted, he acts and talks like a gangster man, but he's got a softness in him that is hard to get to; I felt like I'd been given the moon just to be blessed with a few moments of seeing that soft spot. I love him to death...."
Aaaaand here's my recap on the remainder of this summit in Chattanooga:
Oh my.
There were difficult days. Several very difficult days. From being so sick I had to stay home from two nights of services, to questioning God's good purposes throughout history...from wanting to be alone for days at a time, to feeling so distant from people, and then realizing I hadn't been focusing on others and loving them like God tells me to... it was like an internal roller coaster through deserts and torrential rains day to day these past (almost) two weeks. Sunday morning and evening, I finally was well enough to come into church and teach and be with the Happy Heart teachers and kids.
And, those two last meetings, the good Lord sent a beautiful little girl named Jayne to our Happy Heart City club. Every kid is special. And, there are many boys and girls throughout my life who have each stolen a very special part of my heart. There was something different about this little girl. I can't describe it at all. I'm just thankful God planned for her to be there and to be a blessing to me and the other teachers, even if it was for one day. I was truthfully a little relieved that I didn't have the chance to say goodbye to her at first, because I was afraid I wouldn't know what to say; now I am sad that I didn't, because truly I believe God is going to do something big through her in her life, and I wish I could have told her so, and told her how much God loves her. I don't even know her last name. But I won't ever forget her. At least I pray I won't.
Our host family has been absolutely amazing. I love them so much and they feel like family to me already. It's going to be very hard to say goodbye to Miss Kim, Mr. "Chief" Aaron (he's a Cherokee chief), Alexandra and Abigail. Mr. Aaron, Abigail, my team sis & roomie for this summit, Olivia, and I have had some of the most deep and edifying conversations on eternal matters that I have ever been fortunate enough to be a part of in my entire life, outside my immediate family. Our adventures with them are not over yet, so I will not recap too much on them until after I've tearfully said farewell. ;)
Tonight we all went to see Alexandra play volleyball and after that, to watch Abigails' soccer game. I enjoyed it immensely, but I found myself disliking sitting on the sidelines because I wanted so badly to go out and play (for anyone that doesn't know, I actually adore playing sports! It's one of my favorite things to do; ask almost anyone who has played athletic games with me- I really get into the game. Sometimes watching sports is stressful for me, though, because I feel so strongly that my place is out on the field! :) )
Random Ang fun facts aside.
The greatest thing I learned this summit:
God is good all the time, even when I might not think so.
Starting last Tuesday, I read all through Exodus, Leviticus and the first half of Numbers in two days. I found myself questioning all throughout, "If this is God's perfect plan of how things should be- the regulations for sacrifices, atonement, punishment, etc. - then why did He go back on it and undo it all later? Why did He require sacrifices in the first place if He would later say that they aren't good enough? Did God change His mind? Why did He create one system that leads to forgiveness of sins, and then condemn that, and send Jesus?"
Jesus came to fulfill the law. He didn't make a flawed order just to reject it later. Jesus is God. God came down. God came down because He desired to rescue us. He's that passionate and reckless in love with the people He has made.
"But did He only do such a reckless thing as to forsake His own established laws, call them insufficient and set up a new standard for forgiveness, just to get us back so we would finally glorify Him as He wants? Why didn't He come down sooner, if it was the only way to life? If heaven is perfect and what God desires, then why did He allow sin to be an option in the first place?"
Earth is like our testing grounds. We follow hard after Him and determine to love Him above all else and live in fellowship with His Spirit here on earth, and then when the new heaven and new earth are made, sin will be forever defeated, it will be no more, it will not even exist to be an option, and as my host dad Aaron spoke, "I think we will have no desire to choose sin anymore." All our desire will be for God alone.
It confuses me, and though I know I won't ever figure out even a tiny percentage of the mysteries of our Creator and Sustainer and His sovereign plan, I can't ignore these questions. Many of these questions in my mind were wrong. I have asked the Lord's forgiveness for being so foolish as to put His character under human scrutiny, comparing His methods and intentions and desires to our own fleshly, flawed ones; even without meaning to, I did, and it was a horrible thing I am exceedingly grateful He convicted me of!
He's taught me to trust Him. What He intended for good- planting a desire in me to read the Old Testament to better get the big picture of His plan for eternity and salvation - the devil tried to twist to disappointment. I honestly was confused and felt a little betrayed, that this God of such regulations and extensive rules over physical temporary things and comparatively little talk of love or compassion is the same God in the Gospel who says the law is not enough and speaks highly of love and compassion. This was sinful of me in my flesh: not to question, for I believe the Lord gives us a spirit of curiosity for good, but instead to lose a little bit of hope, a little bit of faith, because of my own confusion. I was trying to interpret all this on my own, trusting that God would guide me through it and give me His wisdom- but I failed to ask Him for His wisdom. I leaned too heavily on the "I don't need a study guide to read the Pentateuch" idea.
God is actually just now, in these moments as I write, bringing all this to mind.
God is God.
He never changes.
Oh, I am so unworthy even to speak His name. Wretch that I am has been chosen to be in His family! I want to fall to my knees and weep at every thought of His goodness and love, and yet He has given me the freedom to stand. He's been with me all the way. He's done mighty deeds in billions of lives. He is I AM. All that He has revealed to me of Himself my few years alive overwhelms me. He is truth; all that He says is truth. Oh, God, forgive me for searching for meaning and truth outside of You. Thank you for seeing into the depths of my mind and calling me out where I am grieving You. Thank you for reminding me of Your Holiness.
You are Holy.
You are Just.
You are Good.
You are Faithful.
You are Good.
You are Sovereign.
You are Love.
Dear God, You are more than I will ever know! And yet You have delighted to reveal these things about Yourself to your wandering children to give them a future and a hope and to assure them that You are to be trusted.
Above all else.
Above all.
My heart will sing
no other name
Jesus
Jesus...
sin sin.
(I looked up the Chinese word for faith, and literally, "sin sin" means "faith, trust, confidence, reliance".)
God thought it would be cool to surprise me last night... through, "like, 15 different things all together", as my host home sister Abigail said.
I could say I have developed a burden for evangelism this past year. But it is nothing like a chore or a checklist duty. There are times I feel like it is, when I let the reality of my choices to shirk away from this enormous privilege out of fear fester into guilt and doubt. I've had a growing desire to tell people about God. Every time I pray and worship Him, I want to tell others about Him and His word and Jesus and what He's done! But I haven't...I haven't approached strangers or asked people about their faith, because....well, we already know all the "logical" reasoning behind it. But I've been praying for confidence and assurance of faith for months now. And last night, the Lord convicted me during one of our praise times at the church here, that I have been prideful in not surrendering to the Holy Spirit's leading. I haven't consciously said "yes, Lord, wherever you specifically lead me, I will go, when you call". My reasoning was fear that I can't discern the Lord's voice. I was afraid of misinterpreting something and acting outside His will, maybe acting on temptation even, or doing or saying something that wouldn't really benefit the hearer or bring them closer to God. My loving Father told me plain and clear last night that He is the One who controls, He is the One who will determine, He is the One who calls, leads and empowers. And He told me to just trust Him. So I surrendered that part of me to Him. Handing over my fears and worry and logic, I said "I trust You, and I will believe You are good".
Last night, my team sister Olivia and I went out to eat at Forbidden City Buffet, a Chinese restaurant. And much like our first time out to eat with them upon arriving in Chattanooga, our conversation consisted of eternal matters, the end times, why Jesus had to come, and the universe. Some of the stickest questions in my heart came out as we were talking, and though they weren't answered on human terms, I was assured that God can still be trusted and is still worthy of praise, and when I get to heaven, I might ask what His purpose was; even then, I may never know, and I have to be ok with that.
As we were getting up to leave, God made that desire in my heart to witness grow even stronger and brighter, and I sought what it was He wanted me to do.
I heard a sweet: "Thank you fo coming!"
Our kind Chinese waitress was in the booth behind us sorting silverware. My brain immediately captured the image of her sitting there, alone. I've always worried about surrendering to the Spirits' leading because I never want to interrupt someone's schedule or impose on them, especially if they are with somebody else. There she was, quietly working, by herself in the booth. God told me to talk to her. I start walking out with our family. Suddenly, I have to use the restroom. (Classy, right? Just bear with me. ;) )
In the ladies' room, I'm asking "What should I even say? How do I start?" God said, "Say you know Me, I know you, and ask her what you can pray for her about." So I'm like, "She doesn't speak much English, what if I start talking and she doesn't know what I'm saying at all? God, will you make me speak Mandarin or something? Speak in tongues?" God said, "Maybe I will. What difference does it make if I do? I'm asking you to go." Then it hit me. All I'd read that morning was 1 Corinthians 14 & 15. While I'd been reading it I didn't know why I was. The majority of it had to do with speaking in tongues vs. prophesying. The heading for chapter 15 was what had first grabbed my attention when I thumbed through looking for a portion to read: "Mystery and Victory". I had underlined, in verse 55, "'Death is swallowed up in victory.' O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" The song we'd sung in church the night before echoed in my mind,
"The ground began to shake
The stone was rolled away
His perfect love could not be overcome
Now death where is your sting?
Our resurrected King has rendered you defeated!
Forever, He is glorified
Forever, He is lifted high
Forever, He is risen
He is alive, He is alive!"
That was incredible in itself. :) God is so good.
So here I am, I've washed and dried my hands and I'm standing in the ladies' room trying to discern what to do, and my host sister Abigail comes in. (I probably looked like a deer in the headlights to her.) She was afraid of how dark in was in that bathroom, and as she walks down to the other end of the room she asks me, "Did you see that lady behind us? Our waitress? She was listening to our conversation the whole time."
"Was she really?"
"Yeah. I don't know how much she like, understood, but she was watching us the entire time."
Abigail couldn't see me, but as I told her later, I was laughing and looking up at the ceiling, mouthing, "Really? Really?"
She keeps talking (for the purpose of stalling me so she wouldn't be in there alone, she later tells me), and says that she thinks God would want someone to talk to her, like maybe this lady doesn't know about God. "I mean, maybe she isn't going to heaven, you know?"
"You know what, Abigail?" And I told her all of what I was experiencing and what God was telling me then.
"Really?!?"
I was laughing in such a mixture of terror and delight as I'd never known before. "Yeah. I'm going to go talk to her, because... yeah, I'm just going!"
Let's go, God.
The last thing I heard of before the door closed was "Go Angie!"
Help me, Father, help me.
Our waitress was no longer in the booth but was standing by the little room where the dish carts and brooms were, between the eating area and the buffet. Her face lit up as I approached her and started talking to her. I asked her what her name was, and she replied (I won't share their names on here for safety purposes, but I'll call her Caty*.) I introduced myself. From there, it went something like this:
"Well, I'm a Christian. I believe in God. I talk with God and God talks to me, and He told me to pray for you. I wanted to ask you if there's anything I can be praying for you about?"
She asked, "Who?"
"God." I pointed up.
"Oh, okay." She repeated it in Chinese. I am almost certain she said "Shen", but I couldn't clearly understand her. (I looked up Chinese names of God, and Shen is a generic term for God, spirit, or soul.)
I asked her again how I could pray for her, and she told me she doesn't understand English too good. In case you're curious at this point, no, I didn't start speaking in Chinese. But she waved over her manager to help translate because she wanted to know exactly what I was saying. Yay, two people! I thought for a brief second.
I repeated all of what I said to her manager, Audrey*, and as she replied politely it was evident she didn't know English much better than Caty did. Trying again to simplify, I said everyone has difficulties and problems and family, and I asked if there were any problems or family that I could pray for. Audrey replied that no, they (she answered for Caty without translating) didn't really have any problems, but just to pray that everyone at work there would have a good day each day and that everyone who comes into the restaurant would have good days. I promised to pray for that and for them; seeing that Audrey was wanting to get back to work and that she wanted Caty to as well, I thanked them for talking and said goodbye.
Walking back to where Olivia, our host dad and Abigail sat near the waiting room, I suddenly realized my face was probably bright red. I've never felt my face get that hot before. "Chief" Aaron, our host dad, was smirking at me, and as I walked toward them I passed the fishpool that held their 3-foot long fancy goldfish-looking-fish, and I randomly remarked, "That is one big fish!" to them and laughed.
(And wow. I just realized another puzzle piece in this whole story! More on that towards the end!)
Abigail says, "Yeah, I told them! That is just so cool!" During our car ride home, she shared with me that after our conversation at dinner, after talking about eternity and salvation, she was feeling pretty worried and questioned whether she was saved. She's been worried about having it all wrong for a while now, and had been asking God to give her a sign that she was saved. And after our dinnertime discussion, she asked God to assure her. When she told me what she did in the restroom, about feeling like somebody should tell our waitress behind us about God, she had done it to stall me so she wouldn't be freaked out all alone in the dark bathroom. God used even her dislike of anything black and her fear of the dark in the night's series of events. And as we talked the whole ride home and realized how many little pieces had added up, it was overwhelmingly evident that only God had orchestrated each one to take place. We both got giddy. The waitresses' response was not long or profound... I still found myself wondering today if I should have said or asked something else... neither of the ladies got saved, which does break my heart whenever I think about it. But the happenings of last night were nothing short of a divine intervention in my life and in Abigails', simutaneously, for the glory of God. He filled our hearts with such joy, just in knowing that He is so powerful, He deserves all the glory, and He cares enough to do such a thing to assure us of that. One comment Abigail made in the car ride stuck with me.
"I don't think God would've chosen to use me and you and speak to both of us like that and arrange all that if we weren't His own, like saved."
I am His.
Have I grasped that before?
"My dad once explained it to me like this," she continued. "It's like the DNA I have in me. Like, my blood. Like, if I were to commit murder and steal and be a horrible person, I'd still have his DNA. No matter what. I could die and you could drain all the blood out of me... but I would still be his daughter. That wouldn't change. And that's what it's like to be saved."
I was so taken aback. I'm still in a state of shock over it. I thought I'd come to really grasp this, when I finally grasped the concept of Jesus paying for it all for me, this past Easter, of believing that nothing I can do can at all save me, that it is
ALL
on
Him.
But here I am. I believe Jesus when He says, "And no one can snatch them out of my hand." I know that neither death, nor life, nor angels nor demons, nor rulers nor principalities, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God. I know that, and I believe it. Believing that is a choice. It's true whether I believe it or not. But my Master desires me to believe it, and now I do.
Yesterday was a day. I realized after I talked with Caty and Audrey... the world was still here. The world looked the same to me. I felt like the same person. I was still Angie. You see, somewhere, I got trapped in that same box of "the world is going to end if" mentality that I subconsciously get into with something I really care about. Nothing had changed. Yet everything had. I'd made this such an issue- a dealbreaker, almost- and now that God had taken me over that hurdle of fear, so swiftly and gently I hardly knew what was happening and yet vividly terrifying at the same time, I had a fiery joy inside me that I couldn't explain.
I'm still so amazed. I feel like I don't know what to do now. But I know what God can do, and what He will do in me. He proved it. He didn't have to. He didn't have to pay attention to my doubting soul. He didn't have to assure Abigail or I by speaking to our hearts clearly and strongly.
Not by human terms did He have to, anyways.
But it's His nature.
That is Who He is.
I have nothing else to say, really.
(The other amazing puzzle piece is this...I was going to write a blog post on it while we were in Pennsylvania... so, back at Winfield Baptist about two weeks ago, God directed me to Luke 5...
"On one occasion, while the crowd was pressing in on him to hear the word of God, he was standing by the lake of Gennesaret, and he saw two boats by the lake, but the fishermen had gone out of them and were washing their nets. Getting into one of the boats, which was Simon's, he asked him to put out a little from the land. And he sat down and taught the people from the boat. And when he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.” And Simon answered, “Master, we toiled all night and took nothing! But at your word I will let down the nets.” And when they had done this, they enclosed a large number of fish, and their nets were breaking. They signaled to their partners in the other boat to come and help them. And they came and filled both the boats, so that they began to sink. But when Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus' knees, saying, “Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord.” For he and all who were with him were astonished at the catch of fish that they had taken, and so also were James and John, sons of Zebedee, who were partners with Simon. And Jesus said to Simon, “Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men." And when they had brought their boats to land, they left everything and followed him."
Revealed insight: The fish are the people we minister to. Our team is like the fishermen. Like Peter, I often think that what I'm doing has no evidence, so is it really worth it? Jesus tells us what is good and best and right to do, and requires a heart of obedient surrender.
Just do it, He whispers.
"At your word, I will let down the nets." Every word spoken, every action, every moment is a moment of letting down the nets. And though they'd been doing it all throughout the day and the during the time of darkness, they obeyed and did it again at Jesus' command. What they were doing was the right thing. And when they continued in obedience- not perfection, but obedience, for these fishermen were far from perfect- then, Jesus amazed them with a fulfillment of His word in His timing.
I just remembered my dramatic over-enthusiastic random comment about the big fish last night, while I was typing this. And God reminded me of Luke 5 and my prayer for obedience for me and every team member this year, back in Pennsylvania.
All the time, God is good.
*not their real names. ;)
God thought it would be cool to surprise me last night... through, "like, 15 different things all together", as my host home sister Abigail said.
I could say I have developed a burden for evangelism this past year. But it is nothing like a chore or a checklist duty. There are times I feel like it is, when I let the reality of my choices to shirk away from this enormous privilege out of fear fester into guilt and doubt. I've had a growing desire to tell people about God. Every time I pray and worship Him, I want to tell others about Him and His word and Jesus and what He's done! But I haven't...I haven't approached strangers or asked people about their faith, because....well, we already know all the "logical" reasoning behind it. But I've been praying for confidence and assurance of faith for months now. And last night, the Lord convicted me during one of our praise times at the church here, that I have been prideful in not surrendering to the Holy Spirit's leading. I haven't consciously said "yes, Lord, wherever you specifically lead me, I will go, when you call". My reasoning was fear that I can't discern the Lord's voice. I was afraid of misinterpreting something and acting outside His will, maybe acting on temptation even, or doing or saying something that wouldn't really benefit the hearer or bring them closer to God. My loving Father told me plain and clear last night that He is the One who controls, He is the One who will determine, He is the One who calls, leads and empowers. And He told me to just trust Him. So I surrendered that part of me to Him. Handing over my fears and worry and logic, I said "I trust You, and I will believe You are good".
Last night, my team sister Olivia and I went out to eat at Forbidden City Buffet, a Chinese restaurant. And much like our first time out to eat with them upon arriving in Chattanooga, our conversation consisted of eternal matters, the end times, why Jesus had to come, and the universe. Some of the stickest questions in my heart came out as we were talking, and though they weren't answered on human terms, I was assured that God can still be trusted and is still worthy of praise, and when I get to heaven, I might ask what His purpose was; even then, I may never know, and I have to be ok with that.
As we were getting up to leave, God made that desire in my heart to witness grow even stronger and brighter, and I sought what it was He wanted me to do.
I heard a sweet: "Thank you fo coming!"
Our kind Chinese waitress was in the booth behind us sorting silverware. My brain immediately captured the image of her sitting there, alone. I've always worried about surrendering to the Spirits' leading because I never want to interrupt someone's schedule or impose on them, especially if they are with somebody else. There she was, quietly working, by herself in the booth. God told me to talk to her. I start walking out with our family. Suddenly, I have to use the restroom. (Classy, right? Just bear with me. ;) )
In the ladies' room, I'm asking "What should I even say? How do I start?" God said, "Say you know Me, I know you, and ask her what you can pray for her about." So I'm like, "She doesn't speak much English, what if I start talking and she doesn't know what I'm saying at all? God, will you make me speak Mandarin or something? Speak in tongues?" God said, "Maybe I will. What difference does it make if I do? I'm asking you to go." Then it hit me. All I'd read that morning was 1 Corinthians 14 & 15. While I'd been reading it I didn't know why I was. The majority of it had to do with speaking in tongues vs. prophesying. The heading for chapter 15 was what had first grabbed my attention when I thumbed through looking for a portion to read: "Mystery and Victory". I had underlined, in verse 55, "'Death is swallowed up in victory.' O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" The song we'd sung in church the night before echoed in my mind,
"The ground began to shake
The stone was rolled away
His perfect love could not be overcome
Now death where is your sting?
Our resurrected King has rendered you defeated!
Forever, He is glorified
Forever, He is lifted high
Forever, He is risen
He is alive, He is alive!"
That was incredible in itself. :) God is so good.
So here I am, I've washed and dried my hands and I'm standing in the ladies' room trying to discern what to do, and my host sister Abigail comes in. (I probably looked like a deer in the headlights to her.) She was afraid of how dark in was in that bathroom, and as she walks down to the other end of the room she asks me, "Did you see that lady behind us? Our waitress? She was listening to our conversation the whole time."
"Was she really?"
"Yeah. I don't know how much she like, understood, but she was watching us the entire time."
Abigail couldn't see me, but as I told her later, I was laughing and looking up at the ceiling, mouthing, "Really? Really?"
She keeps talking (for the purpose of stalling me so she wouldn't be in there alone, she later tells me), and says that she thinks God would want someone to talk to her, like maybe this lady doesn't know about God. "I mean, maybe she isn't going to heaven, you know?"
"You know what, Abigail?" And I told her all of what I was experiencing and what God was telling me then.
"Really?!?"
I was laughing in such a mixture of terror and delight as I'd never known before. "Yeah. I'm going to go talk to her, because... yeah, I'm just going!"
Let's go, God.
The last thing I heard of before the door closed was "Go Angie!"
Help me, Father, help me.
Our waitress was no longer in the booth but was standing by the little room where the dish carts and brooms were, between the eating area and the buffet. Her face lit up as I approached her and started talking to her. I asked her what her name was, and she replied (I won't share their names on here for safety purposes, but I'll call her Caty*.) I introduced myself. From there, it went something like this:
"Well, I'm a Christian. I believe in God. I talk with God and God talks to me, and He told me to pray for you. I wanted to ask you if there's anything I can be praying for you about?"
She asked, "Who?"
"God." I pointed up.
"Oh, okay." She repeated it in Chinese. I am almost certain she said "Shen", but I couldn't clearly understand her. (I looked up Chinese names of God, and Shen is a generic term for God, spirit, or soul.)
I asked her again how I could pray for her, and she told me she doesn't understand English too good. In case you're curious at this point, no, I didn't start speaking in Chinese. But she waved over her manager to help translate because she wanted to know exactly what I was saying. Yay, two people! I thought for a brief second.
I repeated all of what I said to her manager, Audrey*, and as she replied politely it was evident she didn't know English much better than Caty did. Trying again to simplify, I said everyone has difficulties and problems and family, and I asked if there were any problems or family that I could pray for. Audrey replied that no, they (she answered for Caty without translating) didn't really have any problems, but just to pray that everyone at work there would have a good day each day and that everyone who comes into the restaurant would have good days. I promised to pray for that and for them; seeing that Audrey was wanting to get back to work and that she wanted Caty to as well, I thanked them for talking and said goodbye.
Walking back to where Olivia, our host dad and Abigail sat near the waiting room, I suddenly realized my face was probably bright red. I've never felt my face get that hot before. "Chief" Aaron, our host dad, was smirking at me, and as I walked toward them I passed the fishpool that held their 3-foot long fancy goldfish-looking-fish, and I randomly remarked, "That is one big fish!" to them and laughed.
(And wow. I just realized another puzzle piece in this whole story! More on that towards the end!)
Abigail says, "Yeah, I told them! That is just so cool!" During our car ride home, she shared with me that after our conversation at dinner, after talking about eternity and salvation, she was feeling pretty worried and questioned whether she was saved. She's been worried about having it all wrong for a while now, and had been asking God to give her a sign that she was saved. And after our dinnertime discussion, she asked God to assure her. When she told me what she did in the restroom, about feeling like somebody should tell our waitress behind us about God, she had done it to stall me so she wouldn't be freaked out all alone in the dark bathroom. God used even her dislike of anything black and her fear of the dark in the night's series of events. And as we talked the whole ride home and realized how many little pieces had added up, it was overwhelmingly evident that only God had orchestrated each one to take place. We both got giddy. The waitresses' response was not long or profound... I still found myself wondering today if I should have said or asked something else... neither of the ladies got saved, which does break my heart whenever I think about it. But the happenings of last night were nothing short of a divine intervention in my life and in Abigails', simutaneously, for the glory of God. He filled our hearts with such joy, just in knowing that He is so powerful, He deserves all the glory, and He cares enough to do such a thing to assure us of that. One comment Abigail made in the car ride stuck with me.
"I don't think God would've chosen to use me and you and speak to both of us like that and arrange all that if we weren't His own, like saved."
I am His.
Have I grasped that before?
"My dad once explained it to me like this," she continued. "It's like the DNA I have in me. Like, my blood. Like, if I were to commit murder and steal and be a horrible person, I'd still have his DNA. No matter what. I could die and you could drain all the blood out of me... but I would still be his daughter. That wouldn't change. And that's what it's like to be saved."
I was so taken aback. I'm still in a state of shock over it. I thought I'd come to really grasp this, when I finally grasped the concept of Jesus paying for it all for me, this past Easter, of believing that nothing I can do can at all save me, that it is
ALL
on
Him.
But here I am. I believe Jesus when He says, "And no one can snatch them out of my hand." I know that neither death, nor life, nor angels nor demons, nor rulers nor principalities, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God. I know that, and I believe it. Believing that is a choice. It's true whether I believe it or not. But my Master desires me to believe it, and now I do.
Yesterday was a day. I realized after I talked with Caty and Audrey... the world was still here. The world looked the same to me. I felt like the same person. I was still Angie. You see, somewhere, I got trapped in that same box of "the world is going to end if" mentality that I subconsciously get into with something I really care about. Nothing had changed. Yet everything had. I'd made this such an issue- a dealbreaker, almost- and now that God had taken me over that hurdle of fear, so swiftly and gently I hardly knew what was happening and yet vividly terrifying at the same time, I had a fiery joy inside me that I couldn't explain.
I'm still so amazed. I feel like I don't know what to do now. But I know what God can do, and what He will do in me. He proved it. He didn't have to. He didn't have to pay attention to my doubting soul. He didn't have to assure Abigail or I by speaking to our hearts clearly and strongly.
Not by human terms did He have to, anyways.
But it's His nature.
That is Who He is.
I have nothing else to say, really.
(The other amazing puzzle piece is this...I was going to write a blog post on it while we were in Pennsylvania... so, back at Winfield Baptist about two weeks ago, God directed me to Luke 5...
"On one occasion, while the crowd was pressing in on him to hear the word of God, he was standing by the lake of Gennesaret, and he saw two boats by the lake, but the fishermen had gone out of them and were washing their nets. Getting into one of the boats, which was Simon's, he asked him to put out a little from the land. And he sat down and taught the people from the boat. And when he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.” And Simon answered, “Master, we toiled all night and took nothing! But at your word I will let down the nets.” And when they had done this, they enclosed a large number of fish, and their nets were breaking. They signaled to their partners in the other boat to come and help them. And they came and filled both the boats, so that they began to sink. But when Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus' knees, saying, “Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord.” For he and all who were with him were astonished at the catch of fish that they had taken, and so also were James and John, sons of Zebedee, who were partners with Simon. And Jesus said to Simon, “Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men." And when they had brought their boats to land, they left everything and followed him."
Revealed insight: The fish are the people we minister to. Our team is like the fishermen. Like Peter, I often think that what I'm doing has no evidence, so is it really worth it? Jesus tells us what is good and best and right to do, and requires a heart of obedient surrender.
Just do it, He whispers.
"At your word, I will let down the nets." Every word spoken, every action, every moment is a moment of letting down the nets. And though they'd been doing it all throughout the day and the during the time of darkness, they obeyed and did it again at Jesus' command. What they were doing was the right thing. And when they continued in obedience- not perfection, but obedience, for these fishermen were far from perfect- then, Jesus amazed them with a fulfillment of His word in His timing.
I just remembered my dramatic over-enthusiastic random comment about the big fish last night, while I was typing this. And God reminded me of Luke 5 and my prayer for obedience for me and every team member this year, back in Pennsylvania.
All the time, God is good.
*not their real names. ;)
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
One Day More
I feel as if I have aged years since I arrived at training camp five weeks ago. It still doesn't seem real that I will be heading out on the road tomorrow. But all my crazy feelings aside. ;) Here is what me and my Life Action team have been up to in these days!
Our first week here was called Seek Week; each day, all three road teams, staff and staff families came together at the Camp and participated in passionate worship services and witnessed challenging messages from pastors in the LifeAction community. It was an incredible time of prayer, of people pouring out their hearts in praise to the Lord, and all around was evidence of much-needed heart renewal in the lives of people who are seeking to glorify the Lord. One of the brightest memories in my mind is how God used the teaching on His deep love to reassure my heart and radically refresh my perspective on why I am living. God reminded me that with Jesus' great love inside me, I need not fear man but only trust in Him, and that fears vanish when thanksgiving overflows.
Nearly every day, all of us CM's from the White, Blue and Red road teams, have had the blessing of training all together for summits and conferences. We've learned skits, songs and verses from the curriculum, reviewed safety policies, practiced lessons and come together in prayer. Our third week here, we had the privilege of teaching a 3-day kid's program at a local church. This was one of my favorite things. :) Having the opportunity to see and work with real kids after weeks of book learning excited and encouraged me beyond what I could have hoped for, and despite being very sick my first day teaching (and for the week following, actually!), it turned out to be a wonderful day of memories for me. My three fellow club teachers - Tyler, Jennifer, and Hannah- and I have also had time at the Camp here to work together on our Happy Heart City projects; we are all pumped for this year and are so excited to see how the Lord has brought us together as a group!
Besides the the CM training, my team (Red Team) has had opportunities to bond through a myriad of situations. Team competitions, shopping runs, work projects, game times and special meals together, plus a host of other random activities, have been incredibly edifying; we have a family already, and each of us is feeling so blessed to be in community with such amazing people who love the Lord wholeheartedly and love others deeply. One Sunday the entire Red Team led worship and led the kid's Sunday School classes at Bertrand Bible Church, the home church of LifeActions' director, Byron Paulus. This past Sunday we visited Harvest, the church Trent Griffith pastors. When I was 10 years old and LifeAction first visited my church, Mr. Griffith and his family traveled with the team as the head revivalist; it was definitely nostalgic and bittersweet hearing him preach again after nine years.
One of the greatest changes that the Lord has done in my heart actually came through preparing for my lesson on Salvation for the Happy Heart City kids. Putting nineteen years of sermons, prayer, reading, books, discussions with other Christians, and just life all together and trying to come up with a ten minute way to tell kids about how Jesus is the only way to be saved from sin...it boggled my mind. The Lord came through as He always does. :) After hours- well, days- of preparation, it came time for me to present it to my fellow Childrens' Ministers to receive constructive critique and encourage, and I couldn't remember any of it. I had never been more nervous in my life. I had several friends praying for me, and I couldn't do anything but ask God to give me His words. I got through the entire lesson without pause and had more gusto than I'd ever had when I practiced and more interaction than I counted on. I just remember sitting down afterwards and thinking, "What just happened." But it was so clear. It was like for a second I saw God just smiling. It was naught except His Spirit empowering me to remember and speak all that I did. He wanted me to see, to know what that feels like. I am so grateful to Him for letting it all happen so.
So here we are, about to board the bus in less than 24 hours. I don't know what to do with myself now that my bags are packed and my lessons are planned and my update is written.
Well, I guess I do. I have a few hours left before my family comes down to say goodbye for the next four months. I think God wants to talk with me for a bit.
Thank you all so much, for your love, encouragement and support. It means more to me than I can express. Love you all so very much.
Our first week here was called Seek Week; each day, all three road teams, staff and staff families came together at the Camp and participated in passionate worship services and witnessed challenging messages from pastors in the LifeAction community. It was an incredible time of prayer, of people pouring out their hearts in praise to the Lord, and all around was evidence of much-needed heart renewal in the lives of people who are seeking to glorify the Lord. One of the brightest memories in my mind is how God used the teaching on His deep love to reassure my heart and radically refresh my perspective on why I am living. God reminded me that with Jesus' great love inside me, I need not fear man but only trust in Him, and that fears vanish when thanksgiving overflows.
Nearly every day, all of us CM's from the White, Blue and Red road teams, have had the blessing of training all together for summits and conferences. We've learned skits, songs and verses from the curriculum, reviewed safety policies, practiced lessons and come together in prayer. Our third week here, we had the privilege of teaching a 3-day kid's program at a local church. This was one of my favorite things. :) Having the opportunity to see and work with real kids after weeks of book learning excited and encouraged me beyond what I could have hoped for, and despite being very sick my first day teaching (and for the week following, actually!), it turned out to be a wonderful day of memories for me. My three fellow club teachers - Tyler, Jennifer, and Hannah- and I have also had time at the Camp here to work together on our Happy Heart City projects; we are all pumped for this year and are so excited to see how the Lord has brought us together as a group!
Besides the the CM training, my team (Red Team) has had opportunities to bond through a myriad of situations. Team competitions, shopping runs, work projects, game times and special meals together, plus a host of other random activities, have been incredibly edifying; we have a family already, and each of us is feeling so blessed to be in community with such amazing people who love the Lord wholeheartedly and love others deeply. One Sunday the entire Red Team led worship and led the kid's Sunday School classes at Bertrand Bible Church, the home church of LifeActions' director, Byron Paulus. This past Sunday we visited Harvest, the church Trent Griffith pastors. When I was 10 years old and LifeAction first visited my church, Mr. Griffith and his family traveled with the team as the head revivalist; it was definitely nostalgic and bittersweet hearing him preach again after nine years.
One of the greatest changes that the Lord has done in my heart actually came through preparing for my lesson on Salvation for the Happy Heart City kids. Putting nineteen years of sermons, prayer, reading, books, discussions with other Christians, and just life all together and trying to come up with a ten minute way to tell kids about how Jesus is the only way to be saved from sin...it boggled my mind. The Lord came through as He always does. :) After hours- well, days- of preparation, it came time for me to present it to my fellow Childrens' Ministers to receive constructive critique and encourage, and I couldn't remember any of it. I had never been more nervous in my life. I had several friends praying for me, and I couldn't do anything but ask God to give me His words. I got through the entire lesson without pause and had more gusto than I'd ever had when I practiced and more interaction than I counted on. I just remember sitting down afterwards and thinking, "What just happened." But it was so clear. It was like for a second I saw God just smiling. It was naught except His Spirit empowering me to remember and speak all that I did. He wanted me to see, to know what that feels like. I am so grateful to Him for letting it all happen so.
So here we are, about to board the bus in less than 24 hours. I don't know what to do with myself now that my bags are packed and my lessons are planned and my update is written.
Well, I guess I do. I have a few hours left before my family comes down to say goodbye for the next four months. I think God wants to talk with me for a bit.
Thank you all so much, for your love, encouragement and support. It means more to me than I can express. Love you all so very much.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)