Tennessee-----^^^-----South Carolina (part 1)

Memphis, Tennessee.

(I wrote this blog post last Wednesday, our last day of our first Thirst conference in Memphis, TN.)

Patience isn't usually one of the attributes listed when we're reading or talking about God. Maybe after Just, Loving, Powerful, Faithful and about a dozen others have been said, we dig a little deeper and remember He is patient.  And actually, patience and love often are tied together, so we don't bother to say patience seperately.

"Then the LORD passed by in front of him and proclaimed, 'The LORD, the LORD God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth'..." -Exodus 34:6

He is so patient with me. He is so patient with His children; every time I stop to remember that I am just so in awe. His character is so beautiful I don't understand why I ever look away and believe the lies that tell me otherwise.

Isaiah 42:14 - "I have kept silent for a long time, I have kept still and restrained Myself. Now like a woman in labor I will groan, I will both gasp and pant..."

God has been helping me to discern more of His character and heart in these last days. In my own exhaustion and frustrations I have been so ridiculously stubborn. He's been giving me convictions and I've ignored them instead of addressing them immediately; He's been prompting me to spend time in His word and in prayer and I've turned to other things to keep my mind busy. I feel His pleasure when I am surrendered and listening wholeheartedly to Him; I feel His displeasure when I am unwilling to do so. I feel He is distant when I choose to prefer temporary things, yet it is always I and not He who has moved.  But He is always the same. And I think He allows me to be reminded of how lonely and frustrated I feel when I try to cope on my own. He doesn't want me to comfortable. He wants me to be satisfied. He's making me see that I can't love the world and love Him. I can do things in the world and even enjoy things again. I didn't enjoy things for quite a while. But if I am unwilling to spend time growing in strength and wisdom by seeking His will specifically, than I am without hope and joy and I will try to fill that void with earthly things. It's like He's given us material things, people, events, etc. as embellishments for this life: decoration, not substance. I can still enjoy them. But if I'm not wholly satisfied in Him, I have no place going anywhere or to anything for pleasure.
This is going to be an interesting transition.
I'm so convinced in my mind that this is the direction I must go and yet I don't feel like I really have to.
Mind over matter.
God is loving even when I am unlovable. And goodness, I have been. Sure, there's emotions and exhaustion and lots of people around all the time and I'm always at least a little frazzled inside. But where did God ever say those are determining factors, I wonder. :)
God isn't explainable. If I can say one thing definitively it is that He is not like me and I am not.

Psalms 50:20-21 - "You sit and speak against your brother; You slander your own mother's son. "These things you have done and I kept silence; You thought that I was just like you; I will reprove you and state the case in order before your eyes.

Yesterday I was struggling with questioning God's character because I was so blinded by the complexity of my circumstances and the endlesss flow of silent wonderings and words and worries inside me. I knew the devil was trying to twist truth to make me think of God as selfish, greedy and power-hungry in making all of us and this whole thing called life-- pain, strife and all-- just for His glory, which He always demands. The guilt I felt for even daring to allow myself to think of Him in such a way was making me sick. I didn't know what to do, because the questions were real and not excusable, and the Scriptures that hold all the truth I need were constantly pointing to His commands and how He demands praise and honor.
Of course He does. He is supposed to. Even by my human logic I know He deserves whatever I can give and much more! The lie is so foreign and absurd when I look at it from the outside now.
I woke up with severe back and neck and shoulder pain yesterday (which I would still appreciate prayer for because it's not much better today), and during our team meeting, Shane asked for people to pray with those who had prayer requests. My team sister Allie offered to, and when she pulled me aside after the meeting to pray, she shared a verse with me that the Lord had laid on her heart.

"Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.."  -Matthew 11:28-30

Jesus is the embodiment of God in human form. God showed us how aspects of His character , what He has deemed good and loving, can be lived out here on earth. He gave us a perfect example and has promised grace to strive after the impossible in following Jesus' footsteps.
Allie had no idea of the mental battle I was going through. Not only was God all-knowing in having this written thousands of years ago to comfort billions throughout the centuries, but He divinely planned for her to share that verse with me to remind me of who He is. And that is love right there. That simple act is grace unveiled.  And as I explained to Allie all of this, what I've been going through, she admitted she's had the same struggle, and is still working on the right mindset.

I am still blown away.

(continued in Part 2.)

Romans 15:5 - "Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus.."